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Help please 
18th-Jun-2007 11:23 pm
sin
My beta is on her honeymoon at the moment, so I need a bit of help. The problems are mainly going to be punctuation, maybe a few misspelled words. Thanks for your help.

Title: The End (maybe)
Fandom: Harry Potter
Word Count: 638
Warnings: None



Disclamer: I own nothing...unless you count the pocket lint, and a couple of OC's. So yeah, nothing.



The End

I try to stand, but everything hurts. My head is throbbing, blood dripping into my eyes and down my face. I stand and as I look around the battlefield my chest tightens uncomfortably, I can see none of my friends...my family. As far as the eye can see it's only death and destruction. Behind me I can sense movement, then Ginny's arms are around my waist, Ron and Hermione stand at my side, Ron's hand heavy on my shoulder, his other arm 'round Hermione's waist. I breathe a bit easier, the tightness in my chest receding slightly. More movement to my left, and there stands Draco. I incline my head, he returns the gesture for what it is, an acceptance and thank you in one. His hand is heavy on my other shoulder. In front of him stands my cousin...my cousin. Trinity, I didn't know she existed untill a few months ago, she smiles and the tightness is relieved a bit more.

I hear Hermione gasp, and look in her direction, Neville, Luna, Bill, Charlie, and thankfully the twins are headed up the rise to where we stand. I keep scanning the remains of the Hogwarts grounds, I still have family missing. Draco's hand tightens on my shoulder, and I hear him draw a deep relieved breath. There opposite from us stands Narcissa Malfoy, her innate grace still apparent for all the injuries she sustained. Following behind her, his arm hanging limp and bloody at his side is Lucius. I watch as they gain even ground and turn reaching to help someone up the slight rise where they stand. Relief and amusement wash over me as I catch sight of the people with them. Molly and Arthur Weasley, ragged around the edges but alive. Slowly it is getting easier to breathe, most of my family are alive, and well it seems.

I keep looking for the four that are missing, the ones I need to see. I know I have a place both with the Malfoys and the Weasleys, but I need the people that have become the core of my family over the past few months. From the corner of my eye I see Draco turning Trinity into his chest, a vain attempt to shield her from what is rapidly becoming undenyable fact. I reach out grasping her hand in mine, her eyes, shining with unshed tears meet mine. Her eyes, a brown so deep they could be called black, so much like her fathers. A breeze carries a sound that I have longed to hear these last several minutes, a loud barking laugh.

I step forward,Trin following my movement, hesitant hope shining in her eyes, mirrored, I know in my own. The laugh comes again, followed by a tired chuckle, that's two of the four we have been waiting for. Suddenly a rich barritone voice rings out. The words muffled over the wind, then a laugh like tinkling bells, and I sag in relief. Ron and Draco move to support me as I watch my Godfather, so recently returned from that damnable veil gripping Remus by the arm and bodily pulling him along. I give in to the near hysterical giggle welling up in my throat, hearing Trin echo me as her mother and father come into sight. As if on cue her father, my uncle...my most hated proffesor Severus Snape looks up, meeting my eyes. We stare at one another for a heartbeat, I watch in fascination as a smile breaks accross his face, he nods his head at me. I can almost hear the words spoken, though of course he is still to far away, "Well done Harry, well done indeed."
Comments 
19th-Jun-2007 01:13 pm (UTC)
Hi, Wherever things are bold, I've added/changed something. Focused on punctuation. Pretty much any place I've put a semicolon, you could use a period.

I stand, and as I look around the battlefield my chest tightens uncomfortably. I can see none of my friends...my family.

Following behind her, his arm hanging limp and bloody at his side, is Lucius. I watch as they gain even ground and turn, reaching to help someone up the slight rise where they stand. Relief and amusement wash over me as I catch sight of the people with them: Molly and Arthur Weasley, ragged around the edges but alive. Slowly it is getting easier to breathe; most of my family are alive, and well it seems.

I reach out, grasping her hand in mine. Her eyes, shining with unshed tears, meet mine. Her eyes, a brown so deep they could be called black, are so much like her father's. A breeze carries a sound that I have longed to hear these last several minutes, a loud barking laugh.

I step forward, Trin following my movement, hesitant hope shining in her eyes, mirrored, I know, in my own. The laugh comes again, followed by a tired chuckle; that's two of the four we have been waiting for. Suddenly a rich barritone voice rings out. The words muffled over the wind, then a laugh like tinkling bells, and I sag in relief. Ron and Draco move to support me as I watch my Godfather, so recently returned from that damnable veil, gripping Remus by the arm and bodily pulling him along. I give in to the near hysterical giggle welling up in my throat, hearing Trin echo me as her mother and father come into sight. As if on cue her father, my uncle...my most hated proffesor Severus Snape looks up, meeting my eyes. We stare at one another for a heartbeat. I watch in fascination as a smile breaks accross his face, and he nods his head at me. I can almost hear the words spoken, though of course he is still too far away, "Well done Harry, well done indeed."

While the sight of the name "Trinity" usually makes me cringe, this moving piece made up for it with the heartwarming idea of Snape and "Trin's mother" fighting side-by-side. Sweetness.

I fixed all I could see in a short timeframe. Hope it helped.
19th-Jun-2007 02:45 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much for looking over this. I really appriciate it, even more because you said the other day that you were swamped. Just out of couriosity, what do you have against the name "Trinity"?
20th-Jun-2007 03:12 am (UTC)
Well, the difference for me is that when I agree to beta-read something, I feel the weight of my Perfect Imagination certification to do it to the best of my abilities. When I read something and offer comma-advice, it's just me frittering away time I should be washing dishes or something ;)

The name Trinity just reminds me of the Matrix. I've never heard it as a girl's name anywhere else except fanfic. Just a prejudice of mine, I suppose.
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