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8th-Nov-2007 03:40 pm
Title: None yet (any suggestions welcome)
Fandom: Yami no Matsuei
Word count: about 350
Warnings: None
Critique wanted: anything, pretty much--general structure, flow, canon-compliance, IC-ness. Is the first-person voice for Hisoka believable--and would he, in fact, be likely to say any of this?



What, you thought it was like the Chateau d'If?

All dark and cold and dank, with mold and crusts of mineral on the walls, and dark water oozing up through the floor? A moldy straw mattress to sleep on, and maybe a rat or two for company?

This is a strange thing to say, but I need to be strictly fair about it all, because I need to know that I'm right to be angry.

I admit, I used to make believe it was the Chateau d'If, sometimes. But it was a room, only partly underground, more dusty than anything else. It was dry, and cool in the summer; in winter it was no worse than the rest of the house, which was old and grand, but built for elegance, not comfort. And I had books, and warm things, and there weren't any rats. Probably I wouldn't have minded if there were--rats are o.k. by me, even sort of cute, though if I had to live with them I might have felt differently. On the other hand, I hate centipedes, and that place had plenty of them.

From the window you could see the old part of the garden, with the maple trees that were planted by the master of the sixth generation. In the summer a long skein of blue and white irises spilled over the ground as if they were following the bank of a meandering stream.

I had books, but after sundown there was no light to read them by. Sometimes I could smuggle in candles, but they never lasted long; it was almost worse to have the light and know that it would be gone soon, and on cloudy nights, or nights without a moon, it was darker down there than in other places. And there were bars on the window, and the door was stout cypress-wood. And it locked with a key which someone else kept.

And if I didn't cry, if I didn't call for anyone, it wasn't bravery. Maybe it was pride...but no: I was afraid to call, because I didn't want to find out for certain that nobody would come.
Comments 
9th-Nov-2007 09:30 am (UTC)
I don't know the fandom, but I liked the little details you picked out here - centipedes, the loss of light, etc - and the comment about the key was very lyrical.

From the window you could see the old part of the garden, with the maple trees that were planted by the master of the sixth generation. In the summer a long skein of blue and white irises spilled over the ground as if they were following the bank of a meandering stream.

I didn't find this part particularly vivid compared to the rest - perhaps it's the use of 'skein', which just doesn't create a picture in my mind. Maybe that's good though, as the whole point is the outside world is something he can't reach, right?

Hope that helps.
10th-Nov-2007 01:19 am (UTC)
Yay, a comment! Thank you--I had wondered if anyone was watching this community anymore, and it was sad to think it might have died.

I think I see what you mean about the garden description seeming somewhat vague. I was taking for granted that the reader would picture a Japanese garden, and counting on that to stand in for description of the maples (they'd be the red-leafed Japanese maple, which tends to have a particular kind of growth habit as well as finely-cut dark-red leaves), and perhaps the terrain as well. Which is somewhat lazy, since I wasn't aiming for a different effect in that paragraph; I may need to rework it.

Thank you for the kind words. I'm hoping to post other short fics--this is the first story I've written for a long time.
20th-Nov-2007 09:35 pm (UTC)
Sadly I think the comm is kind of dead :/ but glad my comment helped.

Ah, I didn't see a Japanese garden at all! But I don't associate maples with Japan at all, so that might be it.

Glad you're having a creative buzz, then ^^ if you post any fics I'll try and comment if I get the time!
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