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16th-Jun-2006 09:53 pm
antikythera
I never thought I'd write something based directly on a rant in fanficrants. ^^;;

Title: none yet
Fandom: Harry Potter
Length: ~ 200 words
Warnings: teenagers making out, crushing embarrassment
Critique wanted: General grammar, structure, etc., and some specific questions:
  1. Am I using the spells properly?
  2. Are the point deductions reasonable, or am I way off base for these kinds of infractions?
  3. The students' names -- out of place, or plausible for wizards?
  4. Would a wizard say 'hormones'? If not, suggestions?

She pushed him impatiently into the empty room, and turned and tapped her wand against the door. 'Silencio!' she whispered as she closed it.

At the other end of the dim corridor, a passing Professor Snape stopped and listened and watched. The latch clicked and he strode forward into the torchlight.

Sounds came through to him, interspersed with the thud of his boot heels stalking down the stone floor. Rustle, thump. Breathless words, turning into wordless breaths. Giggle, muffled. Squeal.

He aimed his wand at the lock. 'Alohomora!'

The door flew open. The girl caught sight of him and shrieked over the head of the boy whose hand was under her shirt. The boy turned his head and also shrieked, with an equally shrill pitch.

'Bracegirdle and Noakes.' Snape's black eyes glittered at the terrified would-be lovers. 'Fifty points from each of you for letting your hormones have priority over your common sense.' He let out a breath, too controlled to be a proper sigh, his face hardening further with that peculiar pain that only an educator can know. 'And two hundred points from Gryffindor for letting you get as far as fifth year without knowing what a Silencing Charm is for.'
Comments 
17th-Jun-2006 06:36 pm (UTC)
Oh, I'm using my friend's computer and when I logged in, it made your post disappear. Um, IIRC, you'll want to take the first 'and' out of the first sentence. My only comment about the spell is that I wonder how Snape knew which spell she used. He would know that she didn't use the correct one, but would need to do some kind of detection to know that she had indeed used a silencio. Maybe. It's funny, though.
17th-Jun-2006 06:45 pm (UTC)
Hmm. I meant that he happened to be passing by, and saw/heard the whole thing happening -- she cast the spell on the door, closed it, and locked it from the inside. Okay, I'll have to think about how to rewrite that.

I'm not sure about the first 'and' -- is it grammatically incorrect, or is it just a style thing?
18th-Jun-2006 05:40 pm (UTC)
Yeah, it is clear that he was right there. My brain was fuzzy yesterday.

She pushed him impatiently into the empty room, and turned and tapped her wand against the door.

To use grammar jargon, the "comma and" is used to join two independent clauses, not to join an dependent clause to an independant clause. It is mostly a style thing, but the two 'and's in a row do make the opening sentence clunky and technically incorrect, though probably only noticable to grammar geeks.
18th-Jun-2006 05:43 pm (UTC)
PS: I'm hugely impressed that this was inspired by a fanficrants post.
17th-Jun-2006 07:16 pm (UTC)
1) I am not sure what the girl does with Silencio if it doesn't actually make things silent. Alohomora is fine.

2) It's harsh, but this is Snape... however, I can't remember how many points he takes off when he catches couples snogging in rose bushes after the Yule Ball in Goblet of Fire... maybe check that?

3) Not sure about Bracegirdle... but there's quite a lot of leeway with wizard names. Doesn't stick out badly.

4) Dunno ^^ am too tired to be commenting, really, but 'hormones' makes it a good line and I can't think of another suggestion.
17th-Jun-2006 08:15 pm (UTC)
1) The conversation that inspired it was about fanwriters misusing the Silencing Charm. If someone wants to stop sounds getting through a door or bedcurtains, the argument went, they should be using an Imperturbability Charm to prevent eavesdropping. Silencio is only for stopping an object (or perhaps only a living thing, an animal or person) that makes noise from making noise -- not to stop sound from going through an obstacle.

2) Harsh is one thing, but I'm wondering if the order of magnitude is completely wrong. How many points does he normally take off an individual vs. a house? I'll check GoF, thanks.

3) I swiped both names from hobbits. :P I couldn't think of anything else off the top of my head and needed something for my first draft.

4) I know there must be something more archaic from before people knew what hormones were, and it might sound better coming from a wizard. I just have to find it.
18th-Jun-2006 07:49 am (UTC)
Would "lust" do? Or, if you like alliteration, "concupiscence"?
21st-Jun-2006 11:37 pm (UTC)
Are you sure that's what concupiscence means? I'm looking it up and it seems to mean something else.

But you've got me on the track of looking up synonyms for lust. Thanks. ^^;
18th-Jun-2006 12:34 pm (UTC)
1) Ah, I see! And that's probably a mistake I would have made, so this drabble is both entertaining and educational ^^

2) Teachers in general take ten points off for minor misdemeanours, I think (and give ten points for correct answers in class, etc) - I think McGonagall may take fifty points off Harry and co in Philosopher's/Sorceror's Stone for some mischief involving a dragon, so... I think I'd go with twenty because that's harsh, but not overly harsh.

3) Fair enough ^^

4) I know... and I can't think of it either!
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