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3rd-Jul-2006 10:20 pm
Walffules
Title: Lust
Fandom: Inuyasha
Word count:  138
Warnings: Death, and mentions of sex.
Critique type: Grammar, and style.
Other: I have a question should I leave the tense as is or should I change it to past?

    As a monk he was never supposed to lust. Yet he lusted after money, and women. Then he met her, the taij-ya. As with other women he lusted after her, but this was different. He actually felling for her, and she too reciprocated those feeling. Several months had passed and they became engaged. Then one night they acted on their lustful, carnal desires. This would eventually bring their downfall. Several weeks later the taiji-ya had learned she was with child. The next nine moths had passed quickly, they had settled down and she had birthed as son. Then one evening the monks curse had spread and it consumed him. His last words to the taiji-ya were said to be "I hope we meet again, my love."  Overcome with grief the taiji-ya had slain herself, leaving only her son.
Comments 
4th-Jul-2006 02:44 am (UTC)
You're already in past tense. You're talking about things as if they happened in the past: "he lusted" instead of "he lusts", for example.

You're switching between simple past tense ("he lusted after money, and women") and past perfect tense ("she had birthed a son", "the monk's curse had spread"). You can read about the difference here:

http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/grammar/tenses.html

Basically, past perfect tense (where you use "had") should only be used to describe events that happened before the events that you're telling about. "He returned home to find that she had given birth" would be the correct way to use past perfect.

If you just want to tell what happened as a narrative, you should stop using "had" and just say "they settled down and she birthed a son" and "the monk's curse spread and consumed him". The past perfect forms that you used don't really make sense in context, because they're supposed to be happening in the narrative, not before it.

Other than that, try breaking this up into separate ideas, instead of having it all as just one paragraph. Maybe break it into the stages of his life that it follows.

Do you have a reason for making it so short? You could flesh it out a little, so that you're doing more than just stating the different things that happened to him.

You also need a proofread, but that should come last, after any other editing you want to do for structure and tense.
6th-Jul-2006 01:27 am (UTC)
"He actually felling for her, and she too reciprocated those feeling."

Take off the "-ing" on "felling", and add an "s" onto "feeling."

I think indefatigable42 covered everything else.
1st-Dec-2006 02:22 am (UTC) - question.. and tense
I am not familiar with Inuyasha, so is felling a word that means something in the fandom? If I was going to change that sentence, I would say "He actually fell for her ...."

You have me a bit intrigued - taij-ya and a monk's curse? :-). Maybe I should advance my education!

Theresa
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